Mental Health Check-in.

I've been trying to get in with a particular therapist that insurance will take.  Because I need a regular person to speak with weekly for a bit.  It's hard to find the right pick that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. 

They have a waitlist.  I am trying to wait patiently while staying sane. 

It's challenging to work these days.  To get up, and put on my uniform, is such a chore.  I used to enjoy that time away from home.  I dread those three days a week away from home, my safe haven. 

When my brain gets cluttered, I need to be home.  It's my safe place.  My pictures are here.  My books.  My family.  I can bake in the kitchen, away from drama and the outside world.  My yarn.  My Doodle.  It smells familiar as it's my home. 

The world hurts my heart now—so much sadness. 

I recently had this God discussion with my 92-year-old grandmother.  She's very religious as I'm more spiritual.  She was helping me through a rough patch, speaking of God.  I asked her how a loving God could be so cruel.  It's something I can debate over and over again. 

I was going to debate how could a loving God allow me such pain.  Then I remember I am still alive.  So, perhaps God is vital.  I'll still discuss this and think about it. 

Recently, the blogging world lost someone courageous to suicide.  I followed their mental health journey because I could relate to it.  My mental health battle has been going on for 25 years. 

They were a survivor.  Even now, I see their strength.  I'm so sorry they lost this battle.  I'm at a loss for words. 

I quote the lyrics of a song by this brilliant artist Ren.  The song is Hi Ren. 

------

I've been taking some time to be still

I've been taking some time to be by myself

And I've spent half my life ill

But just as sure as the tide start turning

Just as sure as the night has dawn

Just as sure as rain fall soon runs dry

When you stand in the eye of the storm

I was made to be tested and twisted

I was made to be broken and beat

And you know me my will is eternal

And you know me you've met Me before

Face to with a beast I will rise from the east

And I'll settle on the ocean floor

And I go by many names also

Some people know me as hope

Some people know me as the voice that you hear

When u loosen the noose on the rope

And you know how I know how I know that I'll prosper?

Because I stand here beside you today

I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain

And I didn't once flinch or shake

So cower at the man I've become

When I sing from the top of my lungs

That I won't retire I'll stand in your fire

Inspire the weak to be strong

------

They entered my thoughts in passing. 

Then out of the blue someone sent me a text telling me the news. 

I was deeply saddened for everyone that they loved and for everyone that loved them. 

We are all going through something. Especially when Covid started, it heightened my anxiety and my depression.  I've seen the bottom again. I've seen people dear to me see the bottom.  

I opened my blog in January again after years of not writing, hoping to see old friends, make new ones, and just write about how I'm feeling with aging gracefully, the kids leaving the nest, and realizing my mortality. 

I need a safe place to express my thoughts.  Even though I find writing hard, expressing myself difficult.