Pshaw! I did rather well I think.

**Note to my readers: I am not a Doctor, nor do I play one on TV or online**

Day 7 without Zoloft. I am feeling rather well. I know you ARE NOT supposed to quit cold turkey but it just sort of happened that way. Last week I forgot to take my 100mg dose. I didn't realize it until the next day and then I said, "SCREW IT" and decided to quit altogether. Some may say that is wasn't real smart on my part. But ~shrug~ you do what you think is best for you. Some may also say a woman going through PPD isn't rational enough to be thinking straight and shouldn't just QUIT her medication.

My only complaint has been the dizziness. I didn't notice it yesterday or today so I am guessing I am over that part.

I am trying to be positive and just take it day by day. So please don't just quit your meds if you are reading this post. What I did was probably stupid but it's done and over with at this point.

Yesterday I got out of the house and even had lunch with my Superdad. Well not my dad but my husband. He is "Superdad" now. I quit calling him HBG, HB and B1. Sorry for all the confusion. Reminds me of people that always change their email address. PEOPLE please stop changing your email address. It is really annoying and I don't have time to change my address book every time you want to make a change. HA HA!

I feel like a lazy bum. Here it is Wednesday and I still haven't picked up the house. The dust bunnies come out to play at night I believe. I sure wish that cleaning fairy would show up soon. Along with the laundry fairy and cooking fairy. While I am dreaming big, how about a taxi fairy as well.

I did hit Ingle's yesterday to buy my NON organic stuff. I haven't been in a month or longer. I needed to pick up tea bags, coffee, cleaning supplies, wipes and other unimportant things. Of course Lil O picked up several random things and added to the cart as well. She came home with a Diary that locks. What in the world does a three year old have to write in her diary that she wants no one else to see?

~Dear Diary,
I refused to use the potty today. Those adults are going to have to get over it and continue to wipe my butt for me.

~Dear Diary,
Why did they have my little sister? She pulls my hair, drools all over me and hogs the bed at night?

~Dear Diary,
Why does mommy always ask me, "did you hear me"? Does she think I am deaf. I am just ignoring her when she tells me to stop doing something. DUH!

Who wants to come over and crack open her diary lock and see what her secrets are?

I am working on Kid Friendly Asheville. I am trying to redo the header and such. There is so much I want to post on KFA this week. If you live in Asheville or planning a trip here soon please check back for daily updates! When voting starts I will also post that so you can vote for KFA!!!!!

Must get off butt and do something productive....

Feelings, we all have them.

This was handed out at my first Moms Supporting Moms Meeting.

FEELINGS

One of the Basic Currencies of Human Interaction

*Feelings are a basic unit of human experience.

*There are a small number of feelings that underline much of human experience. These are fear, anger, sadness and happiness.

*All feelings are OK.

*Feelings will continue to re-cycle until we allow ourselves to feel them deeply.

*Feelings will re-cycle until we love ourselves for feeling them.

*The direct expression of the basic feelings can result in clear, meaningful communication.

*Directly stating feelings and wants can solve problems.

*Feelings that have not been accepted, deeply felt and loved will re-cycle in the form of unproductive thoughts and behavior.

*The way out is always through.

*What we resist ruins us.

Oh My!! Someone give me a chill pill please.

Warning!! Sour mood blogging.

I have been tackling the mountain of laundry today. And the vacuuming. And the dusting. All while watching/playing with/refereeing all 4 kids. Ask me if I am stressed.

I transferred the weekend trip photos to Flickr AND tried to type up a blog about the trip. I am sorry I was unable too. I am in a funk and cannot wrap my brain around details. I guess it is from lack of sleep dealing with depression. Anxiety. And I cannot think straight.

Anyone know my name?? Please email it to me along with a few xanax or valium. Thanks a bunch. I will send you that sex book Nerve sent me in return.

I haven't watched Army Wives or Mad Men yet. That's tells you how bummed I am. Ugh!! I just feel like I could cry over anything.

Then I think of my 97 year old great grandfather that fell and fractured his pelvic bone and now has pneumonia! I told them to NOT call me if he passed away while I was gone. I was relieved to get home and know he is still living. Whatever that means... He keeps asking for his wife. Sadly she passed away years ago.

Anyway. I am in bed with Baby M being serenaded by the bugs outside. I will miss them when they are gone. Maybe...

No more cussing.

Lil O has had a clean mouth today UNTIL her daddy came home. Isn't that right honey? ~gentle smile~

I have been a cleaning mad woman today. Mopping. Dusting. Vacuuming. Laundry. I think when I get in a funk I obsess more about clean and things in their place.

It's all okay now. Tomorrow I will fold the 3 loads of laundry and start a grocery list.

I didn't feel like leaving the house today so I missed the Moms Supporting Moms meeting. I guess the depression kept me at home. Eh, I'll go next time.
Lil O is in her bed. She is still asking for her paci. Day 5 without it. Such a milestone for such a brave little girl. My brave little girl.

Baby M is right beside me in bed as I type up something quick. The bugs outside are deafening. Yet peaceful. But I won't miss them when they hush for winter. Wow. To think of winter already. I admit that I love wearing a warm sweater and crazy knee socks. It's a weakness of mine.

Again, thank you for all the kind words about my blog and be sure to visit Pepper. The link is down below. I'd post it again but I am on my Blackberry and haven't figured all this out yet.

I must turn in and wish for sweet dreams.

Anxiety Sucks!

I feel tighter than a guitar string! Seriously if I hear "mommy, mother or momma" one more time tonight I may cry.

I know the anxiety comes with PPD. That doesn't mean I have to like it.

Everyone is doing their own thing as I lay here in my bed with Baby M. Lil O has that Little People DVD playing and we know how I feel about Aaron Neville!!

Yep, I am going to lose it for sure. Ha Ha!

I am going to run away now. In all seriousness I am going to iron. I have an appointment tomorrow to get all 4 of my kids in a picture.

Moms Supporting Moms

The meeting I went to was very nice. It was nice meeting other moms that understood what I had to say. I look forward to the next meeting.

I really suggest any person going through postpartum depression to find a support group.

I have received some really nice comments. Thank you for your support.

Things around here are quiet. Just the way I like it. Both babies are asleep and my two oldest aren't here. My husband is doing manly things as I sit here watching a rerun of Seinfeld.

Has anyone seen The Hulk? I want to try and see it soon. That and Hell Boy 2. They both look pretty entertaining.

Ha ha, I actually know someone who watches that Tila Tequila show. They were making fun of it on The Soup the other night. Then my sister called to see when it comes on. GASP!! ~shaking head~ I still love you miss.

Okay, guess I'll make something to eat.

Depression even at the happiest time of your life.

To get help and start to feel better you have to admit there is problem. A medication can help but admitting the depression is needed as well.

Tonight I am going to the first Moms Helping Moms Postpartum Depression Meeting. MHMPPDM.

I have been taking Zoloft for 2 1/2 months. It feels like it is not working anymore. I am doing my best to feel like the old Supermom.

I am looking forward to the meeting. Details to come.

You mean I can have sex now? Sex after having a baby.

~I hope this doesn't make my husband blush but it IS blog worthy~

It eventually happens after you have a baby. Cesarean or vaginal, the feelings are the same. Having sex after a baby is sort of like getting ready for a first date. All nervous with butterflies. The moment has to be right. You take a bath/shower. SO you don't smell like a milk machine. You shave your legs and under your arms. You put your smell good lotion on. You want to feel like a WOMAN and not a MOTHER!!! Then you pray to find the time between breastfeeding and taking care of the other kids to be alone.

It is really hard, for me, to find that moment. After having a baby sucking on me for the past 11 WEEKS and then to think of sex. It is hard for us moms. We still love our husbands, promise. In all fairness, there are 4 kids in our house. It's juggling to find time to be alone. And when we do crawl in bed all I want to do is SLEEP!! Or try to if the baby will let me.

Not to forget the Zoloft I am taking for PPD. That zaps what sexual appetite I have to pieces like a bug zapper.

I look forward to having sex again......I just hope its days away instead of weeks. HA HA!!

Zoloft returns the favor?

Good Morning! I am sitting here enjoying a warm cup of coffee while Lil O is playing in the background. The sun is shining and ummm it's almost Friday?

Yesterday I got out of the house again. I had to go for my after the baby checkup. I was supposed to go last week but I was sick and had to change it. I stepped on the scales! You ready to hear?
Starting weight-- About 130
Weight I went to hospital to have baby April 15-- 182
Weight I left the hospital 4 days later-- 170
5 weeks after having a baby-- 156!!!!

Not bad at all. I feel great and think I look awesome! I know my boobs weigh much more because of being pregnant and now nursing. That's my story and I am sticking to it.

She asked me how I was and I told her the Zoloft helped A LOT!!!!!!!! I told her my kids like me again. She said something great after that and I told her I was going to use it.

She said, "They have always loved you. Now you just love them back!". HA HA HA HA How true.

Everything went well with my checkup EXCEPT for some strange reason my body wasn't dissolving a few stitches from my cesarean. So she had to take three out! OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! SO, now everything should heal nicely and etc...

After that and nursing the baby a couple times while O drove everyone at the office silly, I headed to Target. Might as well punish myself a bit more by taking my 2 youngest kids to a store all by myself. Hey, why not? I am SUPERMOM!

Lil O thought she would scream the first few aisles wanting everything is sight. Making people stare and such. Like I care. Right? So I stopped and said in a very loud voice for EVERYONE to hear. "You're crying doesn't bother me!" She stopped so I continued to shop.

Since the shopping trip went off rather well and I wasn't ready to head home I called my mamaw to meet me for lunch. So we did and it was yummy!

I made it home, took a nap, then my two oldest kids got home from school.

The End. :)

5 weeks old this week. Smiling without the help of gas now. Such a TREAT!!







Making a funny face.



Laughing.



Another funny face.



Smiling.



Okay, enough!! FEED ME!!

Hmm, I wonder...

If I doubled my cough syrup the codeine would make me sleep?? As you can tell I am still sick. I did go to my doctor yesterday and was told I have a respiratory infection. Given the Z pack and a cough syrup. I hope to feel better before my company gets here on Monday. My MJ and her handsome husband are coming back up to stay a few days. They always come up end of May for my birthday (May 29) and anniversary(May 30). She is making me a birthday cake she said. YUMMY!

I overheard a conversation the other day and have been meaning to share it. Lil O and her dad were in the kitchen and I was resting in bed.

O-I want a cookie.
HB-You have to eat first.
O-I want a cookie.
HB-You have to eat first.
Lil O walks away I am guessing then comes back and says, "FINE". ha ha I imagined her with her hands on her hips as she said that.

Then yesterday we were talking about something and she said, "That sounds like a plan". I am always saying that to the kids. Sooo, she has picked that up from me. Plus, now when she gets mad at me she will say, "You are not my best friend anymore" or "You are mean". My favorite is, "You are bossy mommy". Oh well, I cannot make everyone happy all at ONE time I suppose.

My "baby blues" are much better. The Zoloft has taken the edge and anxiety away. That makes me happy.

Today Moon Pie is 5 weeks old, pictures will come later or tomorrow. Also I will post pictures of Saturday. Me and Lil O planted some beautiful flowers outside in some pots. She picked out red, purple, pink and yellow flowers for us to plant. :)

Okay, I am going to drown my sickness with codeine and relax until I have to do something.

My 3 Year Old Does Love Me After All.

Lil O was doing a great job adjusting to the new baby for the first TWO weeks then it went crazy after that. She is hitting and not listening. I am trying to be very patient with her and try to understand how she feels with this new crying machine in the house. Something that has to be held 22 hours of the day. Something that requires MOST of the attention. Something that takes the attention off her. I would hate to be the 3 year old in this house and try to figure out what is going on. Add to that a mommy going through "baby blues" and trying a medication for that. I admit, she has seen me cry, seen me angry and seen me not really care. I am much better though. I haven't raised my voice and I haven't spanked her. Except for Sunday. I spanked her then. She was a terror when we went out for breakfast and when we got home I did spank her. I told her I was so I had too.

I whispered to Lil O that she was my favorite big girl. She said, "That makes me happy". Well, it makes me happy too. I love my Lil O more than I could ever describe to anyone. Like I love all my children. All my children bring all these great different things to the table of our life. Without all these different things, life would be so boring. It is great to see them enjoy life and what it has to offer.

They Are Putting My Zoloft To The Test

I have had TWO sick kids home from school today. If you add those TWO to the TWO that usually stay home then you get FOUR!

This is the first time I have been alone with all four children since Baby M was born.

To which she is 3 weeks old today. I haven't taken any pictures yet. I have been too busy. Does anyone know my name? I forgot it along the way.

Why did I have so many kids?

Day ? On Zoloft

I forgot what day I am on. Yes, I know I could count back and figure it out if I was inclined too. As you can tell I am not. I have been busy here and really feeling crummy.

I actually got dressed in REAL clothes, NOT PAJAMAS, yesterday and left the house. Grocery shopping. The house was empty of anything edible. Well anything GOOD that was edible. I made a pretty simple menu for the week and made my list. Lots of veggies, meatloaf, lasagna and tacos with my homemade guacamole. Well, it's HIS recipe but I will make it. ~A quick and easy tip for FAST tasty tacos. Buy a couple cooked chicken breasts where ever they sell them. Just take the meat off the bone and add it to your onions, peppers and insert favorite taco fillings here. Then enjoy.~ I read that tip in a magazine long ago and thought it brilliant. I love anything that makes cooking for a family easier.
Okay, back to leaving the house. By the time we got to Earth Fare of course it was time to nurse the baby. It is always that way. So I used my handy dandy wrap and nursed her while I shopped! No joke. I was able to maneuver her into the wrap so she could nurse and I could throw things in the cart at the same time. I am down like that I suppose.

It was a bit too much for me though. I had to take a rest when we got home. No biggie though.

Then add company coming over yesterday from out of town with their two kids. ~twitch~ No, it was a great visit. I was just already in a mood and didn't feel well before they showed up.

Ugh, I lost my train of thought. I hate it when I do that. It's like "bright shiny object" and I am lost all of a sudden. I can blame it on the new baby sucking me dry of any brain cells I may have left.

Oh, a movie I watched last night. A Love Song For Bobby Long. Something like that. I got sucked into watching in on the IFC channel while I was channel surfing last night. It was a really good movie. I don't think it got great reviews but I rather enjoyed it. The soundtrack sounded pretty good. One song is called "Different Stars". I think that is one we really like. Check it out. You might like it too. The movie and the soundtrack.

I must go...

Day 3 On Zoloft

Guess who woke up in a CHIPPER MOOD?? That would be me. I am working on cup of coffee #1 and actually feel like my mood is changing. I am sure it is just me and not the medication. I don't think it would change much in just 3 days. This maple syrup smelling mommy is going to make today a great day full of adventure. Or at least I hope to.

Lil O went POO in the potty yesterday again. TWO times!! We moved from tic tacs to M&M's. They work rather well to bribe with. All you really have to say is, "You can have some M&M's if you pee or poo in the potty.". Works like a charm.

Baby Moon pie is awake so I must run. Anyone watch Grey's last night??????

Day 2 On Zoloft

And we have a reason to C E L E B R A T E ! ? ! ? The wonderful fantastic amazing Lil O went POO in the potty TWO times yesterday!! ~Insert happy dance here~ Then her surprise was tic tacs and she downed the whole little box. I didn't care though, she earned it. Do you know how long it has taken her to POO in the potty??????? In all honesty I think she is a bit freaked out now and hasn't used it since. So today I am going to get her panties on her and get her back on the horse!

Baby Moon Pie is still sleeping. Breastfeeding boot camp is taking a toll on her. lol And my breasts as well. She is going to gain those 6 ounces back by the weekend. ha ha Watch her weigh 9 pounds come Tuesday.

The Fenugreek is working. I know this because this morning my husband leaned over to kiss me before he left for work and he said, "You smell like maple syrup. Bye Mrs. Butterworth.". Such a comic isn't he? Thankfully he isn't allergic to maple syrup.

On another note. I watched the news yesterday. Which is rare for me. I don't really watch the news. It just upsets me. My mamaw once told me, "You'd know what was going on if you watched the news.". Yeah, I'd know about all the kids taken from their mothers on a compound just because we don't believe in how they live. About the man that locked his daughter in the cellar for all those years and even had children with her. Oh and lets not forget, I'd miss all the Clinton and Obama updates. Those are the only ones I can think of at the moment.

No thanks. I would rather watch Two and 1/2 Men. I started watching reruns about a year ago of this show. It is hilarious!!!! Charlie Sheen can be hilarious when he's not on drugs. JOKING! I know the show is still on but I am able to watch the reruns better than the nightly showing of it. But watching Charlie and Alan make complete idiots of themselves makes me laugh. Not some ha ha laugh either. Deep from my body laugh. A woman who is depressed needs that laughter too!

Day 1 On Zoloft

Okay this morning is starting out like CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!! The 3 year old is going to make me batty really quick. This I promise. She turned into demon 3 year old a couple days ago. Once the having a baby is going to take attention from me had set in. Things were going so well or at least I thought they were. I get up now telling myself, "I am not going to spank her today. I am not going to raise my voice at her today.". Well, I already shot that to hell and it's not even 9 am yet. She tests me. Taunts me. And I end up spanking and raising my voice at her. Then I feel guilt for doing both of them!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!! I just don't know what to do. I spend time alone with her. I snuggle with her in bed and watch a movie with her. I get the play-doh out. I talk with her. So, Baby M is not getting all the attention. Nothing seems good enough for Lil O though. It has gotten to where she doesn't want me to wear the baby in the wrap or nurse her. ~Insert me running around crying here.~

I did start Baby M on breastfeeding boot camp yesterday. She is going to be a piggy before too much longer. Since she was 6 ounces shy of her birth weight, the doctor wants her back next week for a weigh in. Then she mentioned maybe I am not resting enough with 4 kids in the house and I need to drink LOTS. And to make sure she is nursing for 15 minutes and then offer her the other breast. To which I thought I had been doing. After setting my alarm to go off every 2 hours last night to wake and feed her I realized she usually falls asleep and doesn't finish nursing or get offered the other breast. I am such a failure. If I had been paying attention I would have noticed this. I am sorry I just went back to sleep as she nursed. It was easy since she shares our bed with us. So, last night I woke her up and changed her diaper and let her nurse on one side. Burp her. Then encouraged the other breast.

I also started Fenugreek yesterday as well. That really gets the milk flowing. ~It really helped when I was nursing Lil O.~ It's an herbal we buy at the organic grocery. I am sure a pharmacy might have it. I am just not too sure about that though. I take 2 pills three times a day with a huge glass of water. The one thing you will notice once this great herbal gets in your system is that you smell like maple syrup. No joking. You'll feel like a walking pancake in NO time. I am sure there are worse things to smell like. Then add in "Mother's Milk Tea" to my diet and I will feel like a cow on steroids. Whatever works because Moon Pie is worth every bit of it.

H gets her braces off today!!!! I cannot wait to see that perfect smile we paid for!!!! :)

Yesterday Moon Pie turned 2 weeks old. We took lots of pictures but due to being busy or crying I wasn't able to post one. Here you go:



Here is another taken yesterday before we left for the doctor. All bundled up:



And this was taken April 25. No they didn't fall asleep like this. I put Baby M next to Lil O as we were going to bed. I thought a great photo moment.



Too bad they don't have matching paci's.

To Zoloft or to not Zoloft...

As you call tell I am still having a rough time. My doctor called in Zoloft yesterday, to which I haven't picked up yet from the drug store.

Then we took Baby M to her 2 week check-up today and she isn't back to her birth weight. I have to take her back next week for a weigh in and go from there. Which might mean breastfeeding clinic of supplementing. To WHICH I wouldn't do either.

Once I get me straightened out I know the milk will work itself out as well. And since she is pooping and wetting ALL the time I know she is getting enough. Who actually made that rule they had to be at birth weight by two weeks old???

Depression kicks you when you are down and even when you are up.

I am having a really hard time getting over these "baby blues". I even hate the term "baby blues". I know it's just a normal thing after having a baby.

Here I have this great family. A husband that adores me and 4 super fantastic awesome amazing kids. BUT!!! I want to run around the house crying, screaming and talking to myself. Yep, that's about it.



I cry over everything. I cried because all the cinnamon rolls were eaten and H & B2 didn't think of their mother and save her 1 or 2. I cried over reading a blog of someone that I know online. She is having a difficult time and that made me cry. I cried over the kindness of my sister stopping by the other day because she knows I am sad. I cried that my daddy was holding my hand yesterday when he was here. I cried because I think I have been a lousy mother the past 8 months to my children--raising my voice and being on their butt for things. I cried because I haven't been cooking and we are tired of take-out. I cried over the TV. I cried over the house being messy and the people that are making it that way. I cried because there were too many people in my house. I cried when they left, WAIT--no I didn't!!! I cried just because I wanted to!!! Anyway...

I am going to call my fabulous doctor in the morning for something to stop this crying.

Speaking of crying, Baby Moon Pie is awake and wants to eat. Which is all she ever wants to do and I sure that will make me cry as well. Plus, my husband went out to get breakfast and he's home.