Learning to forgive myself. #mentalhealthawareness
{Sharing my private journey with anxiety and depression.}

Michelle Lee.  The Adventures of Supermom ®.  Asheville, NC

During this recovery I am learning all these things running around my head and my head on these medications.  How these medicines have been stopping the “feel goods”  with my spouse.  Even me questioning if these medications ruined my first marriage because I stopped having the “feel goods” with him too.  My first marriage ended two years after I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after my second child.  How no matter what they said or did I couldn’t make myself have feelings for them.

How I feel incredible guilt with how I am feeling.  How I’m incredibly sad about everything even though I feel it was just out of my hands.  I believed and trusted my doctors and my medication.

My feelings changed.

I’m still trying to figure them out.  Imagine waking up from a deep sleep and learning the destruction I have helped create.  Trying to figure out actions and figure out feelings.

Trying to find myself among the mess.  A bloody battle.

They were  just gone.

It’s been deep.  The things going through my head.  The things going on in my heart.

I feel let down by my doctors through the years, twenty years.  Not my doctors specifically but the medical profession as a whole.

Did they know how safe long term use was?  Would I be able to be weaned off this medication?  What will it do to me?  Do they know if it’s helping me?  Do they know if it’s hurting me?

My psychiatrist ordered a gene study when she first saw me to see how medications work with my body makeup.  When the results came back I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  The medicine I had been struggling with for so long was in the red list.  Meaning it wasn’t a medication that would work with my genetic makeup.  Had this medicine been causing this turmoil deep down in my soul?  Had this medicine been causing my battle for my sanity?

I’m still sorting all these pieces out in my heart.  It’s not been easy.  It’s never been for me.

So, some days I see great progress and other days I just want to cry for being overwhelmed.

I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, sorting all of this out, I’m just thankful for my family and friends being there for me.  I appreciate you.  Thank you.

Please if you need help, seek it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Comments