Recovery isn’t easy. #mentalhealthawareness
{Sharing my private journey with anxiety and depression.}

Mental Health Awareness

One of the hardest things I am having to overcome is the confusion that comes with trusting the medical field with my diagnosis and with the medicine management I’ve been dealing with for twenty years.   Wondering how well they knew what they were doing.  Not them as a person but the medical field in general.  DID they really know about the medicine they were dosing out to those that trusted them with their life?  DID they know what this medicine would do?  DID they know if I would be okay on this medicine, if I was weaned off this medicine, and when I would no longer take this medicine.  Would I be okay?

I haven’t felt well in a very long time, several years.  I don’t think I could ever express this conflict in my body because I didn’t understand it myself.  I was taking 90mg of Cymbalta for almost a decade.  I was taking this drug religiously.  I wanted to feel better.  I wanted to get back to me.

Recently, since being released from the hospital, my therapist recommended a gene test to see how medications would work with my body type.  Sort of a guide to point me in the direction of what medicines would work for me potentially.  Thankfully my psychiatrist wanted the gene study too.

A few days later I felt like I had been punched in the gut.  The results came back and there were two drugs on the red list, meaning they didn’t work well with my body makeup.

One was Cymbalta.

Remember I had been taking 90 mg of Cymbalta religiously for almost a decade.

Almost a decade.

It was all starting to make some sense in my head.  The way I had been feeling for a long time.

I’m still sorting it all out in my head.  I feel like my body betrayed me in a sense.  I don’t know if I can articulate why I feel this way.  I just feel it.  I feel let down.  I feel deep sadness when I think about it.  Knowing the woman I am and to think ALL of this could have been avoided, maybe.  Or did this happen for a reason, to make me grow?  To be a better version of my old self?

I’m trying to come back from this emotional cluster fuck and when I say this, trust me, it is mostly day by day.  I’m trying to find trust in myself, to find that strength to make the decision I have to make for my future.  Who knew that fighting for your own life would be so difficult?

Please if you need help, seek it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Comments

Sarah Siskin said…
I love you and am so happy you shared this.
I don’t know what the hospitalization was all about, I feel so out of the loop these lossy fee years. My Mother’s illness and subsequent death really left me almost devoid of the mental ability to be a good friend. I’m so so sorry.

Please know I’m here for u now.
I’m honored to be your friend.

Sarah