I thought I was going to die.
Sharing my private journey to break the stigma of mental illness. #mentalhealthawareness

Mental Health Awareness

This will be the very first time I share in a public forum about this part of my journey.  Again, not that I am ashamed but because I couldn’t find the words to express the excruciating pain I was in.  The pain that I am in.

I remember the day I was committed to the hospital like it was yesterday.  Not sure I’d agree with committed as I went freely.  I knew I was going to die if I didn’t.  I’ve said before and I will say it again,

REACHING OUT!  MAKING THAT CALL!  THIS WILL BE THE MOST FUCKING HARDEST THING YOU’LL EVER DO.  You’ll carry around the phone not wanting to cause a fuss.  Dial and hang up, dial and hang up a few times.  That’s okay.  This is where I want you to cause the fuss.  You dial the number and speak your name.  Tell them who you are and do not be afraid.  Make the fuss.  You are worth it.

Depression and anxiety about killed me.  I had never had my brain act that way before, so many thoughts and so many feelings were running through it.  More like a boxing ring of sensations.  That day, when I called the Mobile Crisis Unit, was a blur yet it happened in slow motion.  My friend had been worried about me for weeks and checked in on me regularly had been wanting me to seek help.  I couldn’t admit to myself it was “that bad”.  People were worried about me.

The day had been a total mental mess.  My dog was sick and making a mess.  The kids were bickering.  Me and my husband weren’t talking.  I hadn’t been eating for weeks.  Or sleeping for that matter.  Or too much sleep, like not even getting up.  I wasn’t even able to take a bath daily.  My spouse tried to make me feel better by a walk around the lake and then making me take a bath after.  In the bath I remember my head being so loud that I couldn’t even hear my thoughts.  I couldn’t feel anything.  I was shaking.  I was a total mess.  Unable to express how terrible I felt.

Wondering if it was that bad.

I wanted to die.  I welcomed death.  How do you share that with your loved ones?  Especially since I am so blessed.  I am so thankful and grateful all in one.

But that day, when it was “that bad”, I had a moment where I realized that I would welcome death.  The pain was so bad I wanted death to take me, to make my head get quiet.  I had come to terms that this would be okay.

Then I dug deep deep deep deep deep deep down and found the most incredible strength and made the call.

I told them my day, someone was at my house in one hour, we spoke for two, then she drove me to the hospital to admit me.

I’ll have to finish this post at another time because I just realized I am not able to tell the rest at this moment.

It really is day by day for me.  Sometimes even minute to minute.

I had found some comfort when I started sharing my journey here, hoping that even if I help just one person, even if that’s just me, it is worth it.  I am even sharing on Instagram.  Use the #thisistheface to follow.  Use the hashtag to share your face.  I promise I'll be there for you.

Please if you need help, seek it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

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