I get exhausted very quickly.
{sharing my private journey with depression and anxiety} #mentalhealthawareness

The Adventures of Supermom ® in Asheville, NC. Michelle Lee.
#thisistheface of depression and anxiety

When things were getting worse I noticed I would get exhausted very quickly.  

I couldn't even find the strength to take a bath daily so I just didn't take one.  My bath has always been my place and to not have the energy to do it, saddened me.

Brushing my teeth took every single ounce of energy I might have had.  

Getting dressed.  Not gonna happen unless I spilled coffee down the front and needed a dry shirt.  Pajamas are clothes too!

Eating.  I lost 15 pounds.

Sleeping even made me exhausted. Either I wasn't getting enough or I was getting too much. Too many naps. I had to take small naps just to be able to function. Then the naps would mess with my bedtime, keeping me up into the early hours.

I didn't enjoy my hobbies.  I couldn't read, I couldn't write, I couldn't crochet, I couldn't enjoy anything.

I've learned to manage my week with things spread out so I can have self care days between school runs, errands, appointments, caring for my family, packing lunches, making dinner, house cleaning, and still try to have time for me.

Time I have to make for my self care, or my body will make it for me.

Since I have a hard time physically being able to leave the house without popping my anxiety pills like my favorite tic tac I have to plan ahead.

For example:

I take the girls to school and pick them up one day a week.  This means I have to emotionally talk myself into being able to physically leave the house TWICE in one day. The rest of the days I only pick the girls up after school as their dad takes them to school before he goes to work.

So I know that the day after I do the double run will be a day of rest for me.  I won't plan anything extra for that day because I know I'll have to get kids from school.  

Add if I go see my therapist one day I plan for rest the next day.   I start doing the math about how long it takes me to see her or wonder if I can cancel? I plan a day of rest after day because I will be emotionally exhausted and trying to process from therapy.   

Then add grocery shopping, whatever assorted errands that needed to be run, and if I had other appointments to make.  

So I try to prepare myself and plan in advance for my week.  Even with the best planning I will wake up in a panic every once in awhile.  I'll wake up with my heart racing and a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach.  Breathing is hard and I cannot focus. This is where I want to curl up into a ball and cry.  I'll have to take a double dose of my meds to calm down.

I've tried to be gentle with myself and not make expectations that I couldn't live up to.  

Instead of being too hard on myself about the things I didn't accomplish during the day but be proud of myself for the things I did manage to do.  Even if that was simply to breathe.

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