This isn't how I die. Mental Health Awareness #mentalhealth #imnotashamed

Recently I watched Big Fish so it's been going through my mind.  (Skipping through my brain is no picnic.  I assure you.)  In the movie young Edward Bloom looks in the witch’s eye to see how he dies.

Edward goes through life knowing, or at least hoping, NO HE KNEW that his life would be long.  He would find amazing love.  Work for it, in everything. Travel.  Be a father.  Know great sorrows. Experience true happiness.  See amazing beauty.

He would do his best every single day.

On Sunday -
I had just spent the morning grocery shopping and a pharmacy stop for my new meds. I was just sitting in the van after I put it in park.

For some strange reason my thoughts went to Edward Bloom. His face came before my eyes drinking from thirst as he told his tale.  My voice said the words out loud for my ears to hear,

“this isn't how I die”.

Then before my eyes I saw myself old and gray laughing with children. Probably my great-grandchildren.

So, I opened the van door and got out. Knowing that I have a full life ahead of me with more memories to make with adventures to share and to simply live.

I've had an interesting life. I have realized that I am destined to do great things. Even if that is just to be their mom. A wife. A friend. A daughter.  Maybe someone you know.

I've been struggling with my mental health since I was 24 years old. Recently I had a setback, maybe a million steps back. I have never experienced such pain and sorrow. Right now I am taking it one day at a time. I'm not putting any pressure on me. I just know that I'm destined to do great things and this isn't how I die.

I feel as if I've been in a long sleep as I wake. Trying to piece everything together since I was gone for so long.

I want to write more about this journey. One step at a time.  It's taken me months to even consider to write it all down.  Then share it.  Not that I am ashamed to share but because I couldn't find the words to express excruciating pain.

I'm doing better.  I don't think of death every day nor do I welcome it.  Just keeping my head above water.

But I know it only gets better.  I've seen it.