I made it out of the door this time.
Mental Health Awareness

Those that suffer a mental hiccup know exactly what it means.

“I made it out the door.”

For me it’s been extremely difficult to physically leave the house without breaking out into a cold sweat and pop my anxiety pills like my favorite Tic-Tac.  It’s so emotionally exhausting for me to prepare myself to physically leave the house.  Then I get anxious because I’m thinking I need to take a bath, brush my teeth, put on clothes.

Take a bath.
Brush my teeth.
Put on clothes.

By then I’m too exhausted to leave the house.

Then when I know that I cannot get out of leaving the house and I have to suck up and manage the best I can, I begin to set so many alarms.  These just aren’t regular alarms because I will add in how many times I think I’ll need to hit snooze.  My mind becomes a math whiz as I set my alarms.

9:30 a.m. - Michelle, are you awake?  (I get up about 6:30 a.m. to pack school lunches then go back to bed eventually after they leave.)  Have I taken my meds?

10 a.m. - Michelle you must be awake.  This is just in case I turned the previous alarm off.

12 p.m. - Michelle, are you awake?  Do I have to take a bath?  Have I brushed my teeth?  Hit snooze.  Gives me ten more minutes to think about it.  Hit snooze a time or two again if I’m not going to take a bath.  Have I taken my meds?

1:30 p.m. - Have you taken the dog out I ask myself?

2:00 p.m. - Michelle!  This is your last warning!  You have to fucking leave the house and you better be dressed!!  Go PEE right now because you are starting to panic.  Have I taken my meds?  Hit snooze.

2:20 p.m. - Get up, grab the dog, and leave to get to the kids.  Did I pee?  Do I have water for the drive?  Have I taken my meds?

I have it down to a science about what’s the best time to leave and the best route to take.  I know which child to take first in the morning and in the afternoon I know which one to get first.  What’s going to get me home the quickest?  How long can I mope around before I finally HAVE. TO. GET. OUT. OF. HOUSE.  Should I get there early and wait or go later taking the risk of getting caught in traffic which may mean a change in route?  How long is that route change?  Will it get me home quicker?

My mind starts doing the math.  It’s how I work right now.

I’ve also realized that no one knows how long it takes someone to get to point A to point B than someone suffering with depression and anxiety.  I know how long it takes me to get to my therapist (both of her offices), I know how long it takes me to get to my psychiatrist, I know how long it takes me to go to the grocery store.  I know how long it takes me to go to the drug store.  I know how long it takes me to take the kids to school and how long it takes me to go get them.

Time is my enemy.  I am reminded of my mortality and how fucking short life is.  Time reminds me that we all die.

So I set multiple alarms to use through my day to constantly remind me that “I have to get the kids from school”.  In fact my therapist has me write it on my "To Do" checklist every single day.

The alarms are to check on me.  Keep me on track.

I don’t really have a “TIME” line.  When it gets here I will know.  Whatever that is.  Right now I just need the reminders.

I wanted to share this part of my journey with you because the last time I needed to leave the house I didn’t have to set any alarms.  I DIDN’T HAVE TO SET ANY ALARMS!

Do you know how huge this is for me and most who have a mental hiccup???

I got out of the house.  With no alarms.  For two days.  One right after the other.

I think this is cause to celebrate.  But just a tiny bit.  No pressure.

I’ve stated that writing this was something I couldn’t do earlier because finding words for the most excruciating pain is something I just couldn’t do.  I couldn’t find my voice.

I couldn’t find me.  Whoever the fuck that was or is?

For me I feel like I’ve been crawling and grasping all the way.  Working on surviving one more day.

I don’t think of death every day nor do I welcome it.

I look forward to getting out of the house again without setting an alarm.

Please, if you are sad and in need of help.  PLEASE!  I beg you to seek help.  I found the strength to call the Mobile Crisis Unit and I believe it saved me.

Finding the strength to call them is not easy.  I'm not going to lie.

This WILL be the hardest call you have to make.  BUT DO IT.  AND DON’T THINK YOU ARE MAKING A BIG DEAL!  I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE IS A FUCKING BIG DEAL!  Your life is worth it.  You are worth it.

I realized mine was.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.  Writing is becoming therapeutic.  If I help just one person by sharing then I’ve done something.

Comments

Anonymous said…
My husband would divorce me if I slept all day.
Supermom said…
Well that's sad for you. What happened to honoring your wedding vows "in sickness and in health"? I'm sorry you wouldn't have that unconditional support while dealing with being sick.