I suck at this.

Michelle Lee @The Adventures of Supermom

I suck at being a good patient.  I suck at asking for help.  I suck at relaxing.  I suck at being in pain.  I just suck.  I hurt myself again somehow.  I was getting better.  I was being rolfed once a week.  I had a private yoga session with the best yoga women in town.  I was working on a plan.  I was feeling better.  It was nice.

I still had limitations and wasn't able to do many things all at once.  I was taking Motrin when I needed it and I was feeling better pain wise.

Then all of a sudden it became worse again.  Over a week ago I started feeling really rough, it was the day my husband was going out of town for the night.  Putting one foot in front of the other to walk was extremely difficult.  I sucked it up and dealt with it the best way possible.  I didn't want him to miss his show so I didn't say anything.  I am the one who'd remove a bullet with a knife.  I think that's something he once said about me in a guest post.

So after I collected the two kids from school.  {My son was gone camping with scouts so I had ZERO help.  Sniff sniff.}

I took the babies to the store and we picked up junk food and two movies along with some Bayer for back pain for me.  All I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and cry but I didn't.  I made a lovely dinner for us, set up snacks in the living room and we watched both Night at the Museum movies.  {In memory of Robin Williams.}

The Adventures of Supermom, Michelle Lee
I cannot put into words how bad I felt.  I knew that both girls would want to sleep in my bed including Sophie.  It scared me to death to think that one of the girls would kick me in the back and I knew that I'd get no rest if I tried to sleep on the couch.  So, I had the bright idea of sleeping upside down in bed allowing the girls to be up top with their feet away from my back along with elbows and such. 

It worked.

Sadly I felt more miserable in the morning and even worse as the day went on.

I sucked it up.  I knew that if I had let my guard down and cry with the pain that I might not have been able to compose myself again.  If I wasn't stubborn woman I would have probably driven myself to Urgent Care but I didn't want to drag the babies out.

It was awful. 

{I came so close to taking shots of Vodka with my Bayer for back pain.} 

Fast forward to Sunday and my husband was home.  I was crying.  I was allowing myself to feel awful and allowing myself to let it go.  I didn't have to be strong anymore.  I called the doctor's office for the doctor on call to call me.  He did within minutes.  I was able to speak with him about the past few days and how I had tried to suck it up and it was either vodka shots or urgent care.

So he called me in some meds.

It took TWO rounds of meds for me to finally be able to feel the pain ease off.

I had let the pain get so bad that it took time.

Don't ever do that because it messes with you physically and emotionally.  You really are not in your proper mind and do and say things that you normally wouldn't do.  You can't think straight.  It's like a haze.  Wondering if the pain will ever go away.  Will I have to live with this forever?  Chronic pain?  I'm only 40.

I've forgotten what it feels like to wake up and NOT be in pain.  Really I have.  I don't know what it would feel like to wake up and not be afraid to move.  Afraid to walk.  Afraid to sit up.  Afraid to bend over.  Just afraid.  Even afraid for the girls to run at me with open arms for a hug.  Wanting to snuggle with my husband in bed but he sleeps on the right side and I cannot be on my right side because that's the side that hurts.  So I sleep alone on my left side not being able to spoon.  I like spooning.  He likes forking.  {laughing}  But spooning keeps me warm.

Someone tell me what it feels like to wake up and not be in pain or worried that it will hurt to move.  Please.

Things have calmed down since I started hurting again,  my husband has been a tremendous help and a friend from O's school has been a big help with some after school things. 

I may have felt like total crap and wanted to hide away in the fetal position but I've had an amazing support group and for that I am thankful.

I went to the doctor the other day to talk about how I feel and what to do.  We have a plan I suppose.  I feel good about it so that's all that really matters.

Rolfing - Yes, because it helps me feel better.
Yoga - Not at the moment.  Who would have thought that nice easy poses would end up hurting me.
Medication - He put me back on a med for nerve pain since the spine doctor had taken me off of it.

I will call him back next week with a progress report.

I do feel better.