I’m no stranger to anxiety and depression since it’s something I’ve been dealing with for over thirteen years.  It all came out after the birth of my second child and I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on.  I ended up at my doctor’s office during the week at 7pm pouring my heart out to him.  I was put on medications and sent home.  Turned out that medication wasn’t the one for me and I had to try another one.  To work out my anxiety I would clean, it was like a drug to me.  Anxiety always meant cleaning to me and it still does. 

I cannot explain it.

In these past thirteen years I’ve been on and off medications several times.  Most recently it was after Baby M when the postpartum set in.  I never want to go back there.  It’s a very scary feeling.  I’m very lucky to have a family that understands I have these hard times and they are very supportive.  I’m also very honest with my children when I don’t feel well.  I think it’s important for them to know that mommy is sad but it’s not anything that they did, it’s just how mommy feels at a certain moment.

Out of the blue yesterday I had an awful anxiety attack which led to a lot of crying in my kitchen.  It has been very busy around here lately due to certain situations and I guess that I’m out of my comfort zone and out of my routines.  It’s no one’s fault just my plate in life as they say.  I’d been busy in the kitchen yesterday morning and prepared a dish to take to Lil O’s school program then we went to the program to sit for two hours and hear these amazing presentations from the kids.  Oh wait, instead of that lovely daydream I had to entertain a very sleepy three year old as she climbed all over me, stood in chairs and talked all through the program.   After I was able to record Lil O’s presentation I took her to the back of the room to read books and snack on all the food that had been brought in. 

I was finally able to talk the girls make the girls leave because I just wanted to get home because I knew I had to clean up a mess and get the dog out before she made a wet spot in the kitchen.  When we got home I sent the girls out to play in the yard and to take Sophie out to potty.

I set out to make some sense of the kitchen when I just started to sob.  I had this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and this feeling of being lost.  I just cried and cried.  I finally called my Superdad to cry some more.  (After taking my medication.)  I felt horrible.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a baby.  So, I cried some more.  Then I cried some more when the girls told me that Sophie had used the potty outside only for her to pee in the hall meaning that they had told mommy a story in the first place.  So, I cried while cleaning up dog pee in the hall.  At this point the anxiety cleaning came into play!  I saw some forgotten paint on a cabinet in the kitchen so I set out to get it off with Goof Off and a scrubbing pad.  Then I cleaned the grease off the stove. 

Then I cried some more.

By this time the girls were inside and I was bribing them with DVD’s so just mommy could sit on the couch and rest, which meant cry silently as to not scare them. 

I eventually drifted off to sleep on the couch while the babies danced to The Wiggles.  My teenage daughter and my sister were home by this point.  I still felt just awful.  I managed to give the babies a bath and take one myself after they had been fed.  Then we watched Star Trek with Superdad and then I was able to go to bed with the babies.

Only to be woken up by the cries of Lil O after 11:00pm.  I’m not sure what happened but I knew she was asleep and she went to the bathroom in her bed.  I’m not talking pee either.  It looked like a crime scene but with poo instead.  On the walls, in the floor, on her pillows and all in the bed.  I’m guessing she was asleep when she got sick and woke up in all the mess.  Superdad got her in the bathroom for her second bath of the day as I stripped the bed, washed the walls, mopped the floor and had all the bedroom windows open to air out the place. 

Then she went right back to sleep in a clean bed.

By this point I was wide awake so I settled into the living room with some peanut butter cups to watch Castle on DVR from last Monday night.  I’m not sure when I made it to bed but I eventually did and I slept some, I think. 

So, my plan today is to rest.  Try to find my happy place.  I know it’s around here somewhere.