A mixed body of emotions.

I’m angry.  I’m pissed off.  I’m sad.  I’m hurting.  I’m confused.  I’m lost.  I’m helpless.  I’m scared.  I’m lonely.  I’m in shock.  Most of all I’m just depressed.  Death scares me.  It’s my biggest fear and I hope that with age I can become at peace with it.  Leaving the ones you love the most behind or hoping to see the loved ones you’ve lost in the beyond.

Hoping that what you’ve been told will be true, that there is a better place after death.  I was once told that when we die it won’t be like we are now.  We will not be reunited with our siblings, grandparents or spouses in Heaven.  We will know of them but they won’t be that special person in our life like they were when you were living. 

How is this fair?

If Superdad dies before me, will we not be reunited in Heaven?  Will the baby that I miscarried not be waiting for me when I die?  Will I not find the most important man in my life waiting for me, my papaw?  This just doesn’t seem fair to me.  A loving God lets us live life.  Enjoy it.  Do good, do bad but we make our own choices.  Sometimes we make the right ones and more often than not, we make bad decisions.

This doesn’t mean we are bad people though.  It just means we chose the wrong thing.

Today, my great aunt was taken to the hospital this morning.  She is the oldest sibling of the group and the funniest.  She is HILARIOUS!!!!!!  She’s known to call the house disguising her voice acting all silly.  She’s the one that dresses up as a clown at birthday parties!  She’s that amazing woman that everyone says is so nice.

She’s always been nice to me.  I love her.

Her cancer is back.  Tests are being run and whatever else they do when you are stuck in a hospital.  There are spots on her lungs and brain, I believe.  All the information is a blur because I cannot believe all of this is happening. 

The people I’ve known the longest are dying.  I don’t like it.  It depresses me.  It hurts me.

I love my great aunt.  She has lived a full life.  But she hasn’t seen her granddaughter graduate high school.  She hasn’t seen her granddaughter graduate college.  She hasn’t seen her granddaughter get married or become a mommy (a long time from now).    There are so many things that she hasn’t seen yet.  Please, it’s not fair.  Don’t take her now God.  Please don’t.

I don’t think my heart can take this loss right now.  I’m begging you.

So, there you have it.  Death SUCKS and I’m inna mood.

I'm sitting in my great aunts lap.


Jocelyn said…
WOW! This about sums it up. A mixed body of emotions. My dad is in the hospital fighting for his life. I love him and I am scared.
RedMelD said…
I'm so sorry. ((((hugs)))) I've lost many through the years and those that I was closest to many many moons ago. Death sucks. I cling to the belief that one day I will be reunited with those I love and miss profoundly.

Remember to, doctors are imperfect beings. Your great aunt sounds like a determined woman who likes things done her way. So, if she is determined to fight this, she will and can prove all those doctors wrong.
Supermom said…
Hugs to both of you! xoxox
Anonymous said…
I'm so sorry to hear your family is going through this. Praying peace and comfort for all of you.
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