*I'm sorry Superdad because some of this you haven't heard..until now.**
I've been afraid to admit my true feelings online and in real life about how I feel. I can remember when I first admitted it out loud to my friend TJ over pizza one night when she was in town. I kind of shocked myself in how easy I spoke the words.
I remember telling TJ, "I'm afraid I will start to hate Superdad down the road for not having another baby after my hysterectomy." She told me to tell him that. I wasn't able to. I told him I wanted another baby and he did not so what else was there for me to do?
Okay, hate is such a strong word. How about regret it for the rest of my life? Okay, that sounds bad too but it is the truth. I think it is about time to be honest with my feelings. I've been denying them for months about this surgery. I thought at first since the surgery date was changed that it was a sign that I wasn't done having babies. I was thrilled at the thought of still having a chance to get pregnant again. I was hanging onto hope very tightly.
I even told Superdad that we should try for one more baby then I could get the hysterectomy. I scared him to death with that option. Yeah yeah, I know money is an option. Superdad's work hasn't been good for a couple of years and we have been going through our savings to stay afloat. I just don't want money to stop us from another baby. I also don't want age to stop us. I'll be 37 in May and Superdad will be another year older in June. He's eleven years older than me so you do the math.
My surgery is 2 1/2 weeks away and I know it will change my life forever.
I want the surgery because I'm tired of being sick all the time and I'm tired of awful periods and I'm tired of being in pain. My uterus isn't a happy uterus.
Then I'm afraid of going into a deep depression because then I know I will never be able to get pregnant ever again.
I look at all four of my healthy kids and I know I'm blessed beyond words. I love each of my children will all of my heart. They have blessed my life in more ways than I can express with words or emotions. Their laughs, their smiles, their love.... It's an amazing gift. Being a Mom.
Being the one that makes it all better. Being the one they always come to. Being the one that will disappoint them at times. Being the one they hate for telling them "no" and making their life miserable. I know that when they get older they will appreciate all the things I've done for them. They will appreciate me more when they have kids of their own and they see what they put me through.
So, there you have it. I don't know what to do from here. I'm lost and confused. I'm angry and sad. I'm all a mess and I feel hopeless.
How do I make myself feel better and get through this pain of confusion?