What if I regret it for the rest of my life?

*I'm sorry Superdad because some of this you haven't heard..until now.**

I've been afraid to admit my true feelings online and in real life about how I feel.  I can remember when I first admitted it out loud to my friend TJ over pizza one night when she was in town.  I kind of shocked myself in how easy I spoke the words.

I remember telling TJ, "I'm afraid I will start to hate Superdad down the road for not having another baby after my hysterectomy."    She told me to tell him that.  I wasn't able to.  I told him I wanted another baby and he did not so what else was there for me to do?

Okay, hate is such a strong word.  How about regret it for the rest of my life?  Okay, that sounds bad too but it is the truth.  I think it is about time to be honest with my feelings.  I've been denying them for months about this surgery.  I thought at first since the surgery date was changed that it was a sign that I wasn't done having babies.  I was thrilled at the thought of still having a chance to get pregnant again.  I was hanging onto hope very tightly.

I even told Superdad that we should try for one more baby then I could get the hysterectomy.  I scared him to death with that option.  Yeah yeah, I know money is an option.  Superdad's work hasn't been good for a couple of years and we have been going through our savings to stay afloat.  I just don't want money to stop us from another baby.  I also don't want age to stop us.  I'll be 37 in May and Superdad will be another year older in June.  He's eleven years older than me so you do the math.

My surgery is 2 1/2 weeks away and I know it will change my life forever.

I'm scared.

Very scared.

I want the surgery because I'm tired of being sick all the time and I'm tired of awful periods and I'm tired of being in pain.  My uterus isn't a happy uterus.

Then I'm afraid of going into a deep depression because then I know I will never be able to get pregnant ever again.

I look at all four of my healthy kids and I know I'm blessed beyond words.  I love each of my children will all of my heart.  They have blessed my life in more ways than I can express with words or emotions.    Their laughs, their smiles, their love....  It's an amazing gift.  Being a Mom.

Being the one that makes it all better.  Being the one they always come to.  Being the one that will disappoint them at times.  Being the one they hate for telling them "no" and making their life miserable.  I know that when they get older they will appreciate all the things I've done for them.  They will appreciate me more when they have kids of their own and they see what they put me through.


So, there you have it.   I don't know what to do from here.  I'm lost and confused.  I'm angry and sad.  I'm all a mess and I feel hopeless.

How do I make myself feel better and get through this pain of confusion?


Anonymous said…
Hey Supermom, hang onto today, see it for all it's goodness and enjoy every moment of it. If we dwell on what makes us sad, well, we'll just be sad all the time. I've lived that way and it's no fun.

Hang in there my friend!
Supermom said…
Thank you Jen.

I'm really trying so hard to hang onto today. Getting some of the emotions out today in writing has helped me some. I feel like my shoulders are a bit lighter.

I wish life had an "easy" button like Staples.
Anna said…
Dear Supermom,

You are right. About everything. You have been blessed with four wonderful children, and before you know it, they will bless you with wonderful grandchildren. You have a right to be sad and grieve for what you are about to lose. Even if you decided to never have another baby, at least you would have the option. Now, that option is being removed. I know you will feel better and therefore more able to enjoy the happiness your kids bring you, but I also know that you will be sad for the loss of the ability to bear another child. I want to you know that you are very much loved and appreciated by everyone around you. You have a right to be sad, but please don't lose sight of the joy and blessing that each day brings.
Mary Jane said…
Hey Supermom, I know you'll get through this tough time cause God made you Super! Maybe you should take your gift of being such an awesome mom, and give it to others. Every first time mom is scared to death! They all need strength and support, and it's really tough to find sometimes. Maybe you could go into a full-time role model buisness? I'm sure you have lots of great advice to offer first-timers.
Supermom said…
Thank you Anna for the comment. It's just a very hard decision to make.


MJ ~ Thank you for the kind words. In time I will be okay.
diannaray said…
I don't know if this will help or not, but I count my blessings and seek the ways that my love and my skills can be used in the world around me- maybe you're meant to foster kids, maybe you're meant to volunteer in some way with children that need you, there are so many children out there in the world seeking solace, love, understanding, care- and maybe fate or God (or however you may personally define it)is telling you the world needs you in other ways. It may sadden you from time to time as so many things in life can do- but do your best to consider all the doors in life, know what I mean?
I know you'll find your peace with your choice and may find in the long run it brings some new discovery to your life- blessings~
Keyt said…
diannaray said exactly what I was going to say. But let me say something else.

I had my first child when I was 20, my second when I was 21. I got pregnant so easy and was allergic (ie my anti-seizure meds clashed with) every birth control available at the time that I had to *shiver* have my tubes tied. Pretty drastic for someone so young. Ever since I have regretted it, but that regret eased a little more as time went on. Eventually I forgot about it until the last few years when my endo and other female problems increased in severity.
2 months ago I finally found a gyno that took those problems seriously and told me I had to have a hysterectomy. Another drastic thing for someone only 41.

I did a little "soul searching" for a few weeks and had to weigh the pros and cons. I can't get pregnant anyway and I've adjusted to that thought over the years. But still, the idea of losing my female parts (although I've already lost my appendix, gall bladder and right kidney so what's a couple more parts? lol), it's not a comforting thought for any woman.

You're not alone hun. Every woman who is facing such a surgery as we are goes through the same thoughts. But you do have 4 wonderful children now. I think the idea of foster care is fantastic. My kids were in foster care for a while because my state thought I couldn't care for my kids because I was sick all the time. Let me tell ya, there are few good foster parents out there! I don't know you as well as others, but I have no doubt you could make your mark in helping children in some way. I could tell you so much about the system that I so hate because there aren't enough people like you!
Supermom said…
Dianna ~ Thank you so much for your comment. Your encouragement makes me smile!

I know in time I will be okay. I will just have to mourn for a bit....

Keyt ~ Thank you for taking the time to comment on this post. I know that being 36 and having a hysterectomy is major and a lot to think about.

I know it will take time but I will be okay because I have the support of my family, friends and online!!

Thanks to everyone that commented! I've gotten some wonderful emails and texts as well from Supermom Fans!

You guys ROCK!!!

kailani said…
I totally understand how you're feeling and that it's so hard to close the door on the option of having more children. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Supermom said…
Kailani ~ Thank you for the kind words. Seeing you soon will make it all better. :)
Anonymous said…
Merci d'avoir un blog interessant