More coffee please.

It seems that coffee is like my safety line these days.  Not so much it being coffee but the warmth is something I crave.  It warms me up.  **Note to self:  Buy tea while out today for another option.**

Yesterday was so hard on me emotionally and physically.  Baby M wasn't allowed to nurse or drink/or eat anything after 4 am.  She did rather well if we kept her busy.  She'd ask for her "ninny" as she put her hands down my shirt.  It was hard for me to not let her nurse.  Like I was being cruel.  ~pout~  She is just too young to understand the situation.

THEN, they took her back 1 HOUR and 15 MINUTES later than planned because the surgery before hers was running late. It was hard just waiting in our little room watching the world go by.  Baby M wanted to be up and walking.  Well, in our arms but walking around the area.  Which was very tiring considering I hadn't slept ALL that night and Superdad really hadn't either.  So, walking around to keep her entertained so she wouldn't cry was a challenge.

Until they gave her the good "shot" of medicine.  I just held her in my arms, rocking her.  We requested a round of shots for the whole room but the nurse said we wouldn’t be able to drive home if she handed them out.  So, what was her point???   I just sat there holding my baby as she became lifeless in my arms.  The tears were just rolling down my cheeks, making her hair all wet.  I just sat there and smelled her hair as I prayed to God to watch over my baby.   It was hard on me for her to be so lifeless and heavy.  It just made me sad all over. 

I knew she was in good hands.  Everyone cooed over her!  They told me they’d take great care of her.  I knew she was in safe hands.  Not only their hands but God’s hands. 

When they took our baby away we headed down to the cafeteria to eat.  We were starving since we hadn’t had anything to eat since MONDAY!!!!  I think we inhaled our food in like 5 minutes flat!  We both just wanted to be in the waiting area to hear about our baby.  Even though we knew they had our cells and would be calling us to update us on Baby M. 

After a quick visit to the hospital gift shop to buy a Dora balloon for Baby M and a book for Lil O we hit the waiting area.  And waited.  The doctor’s assistant called us a few times to update us about their plan of action and how things were going. 

I just couldn’t find my power animal.  I was so relieved to see Dr. Jackson come walking towards us.  We went to a private room and talked.  Baby M was doing great and the procedure went wonderful.  I was on the verge of tears.  COUGHING up a lung of course. 

We were paged and boy did we grab our things up QUICK to see our baby.  False alarm.  The nurse just wanted us to know that Baby M was still sleeping and doing great.  Back to the chairs for us.  Then I heard it!!!!  Our names were called.  Again, we sprinted back to the desk!!  We were handed directions to find our way to the post-op area!  I think we ran to get there.  I really think we did because we BEAT Baby M getting there.  Then I see this smile on Superdad as he sees a nurse pushing a wheelchair with a nurse sitting in it who happened to be holding our baby.  Our drugged up baby. 

The nurse made a joke about not letting her go as I ripped the blanket off of them and swooped up my heavy/lifeless baby.  Again, I felt sad as I held her because I had to gently hold her head just like when she was born.  She had a splint on her arm to protect her IV.  She had the lil baby blood pressure cuff on her arm as well.  Then she had her E.T. finger. 

I just sat in this big chair and plopped out my breast for my incoherent baby to nurse.  She knew what I was doing even if she wasn’t really able to nurse at that moment.  She tried to talk but nothing really came out.  I just sat there and talk to her, rocked her and loved her. 

She eventually got the hang of nursing.  I guess we sat there an hour, maybe more, before we were allowed to go home.  She was still very medicated and lifeless.  I just held her tight!!!  While in the van I put on my ERGO and that’s where Baby M stayed for the rest of the day.  Attached to her mommy.  I wanted her to feel my movement even if she was totally drugged up.  I didn’t want her to be alone in bed.  So, I wore my baby up until bedtime.  Once she was asleep I took a quick bath, had a small snack and went right back to bed to sleep next to my baby.

I am so glad to have that day over with.