I have blogged about depression, anxiety and PPD several times before. It's something that is hard to explain especially when others haven't had do deal with it before.
Here's a private battle I deal with. I have been dealing with it for 10 years. Maybe even more. Who knows. After I had B2 it hit me. I really thought I was losing my mind. I sure did feel like it. I tried various medications and eventually found something that worked for me. It made me feel more like my old self. I was able to get out of bed. I was able to leave the house. I was able to stop some of the OCD tendencies I had developed. My OCD was aimed toward cleaning. It was really weird. Even though I knew I just mopped the floor if the thought came to my mind I had to mop it again to make the thought stop.
My mind wouldn't shut up.
After my divorce I got the wild idea of stopping my medications and seeing how things would go. I found that I had to go back on the medications. Did I feel like a failure for not being able to cope without medications? Sort of. I had to do whatever it took to feel good.
I was working a full time job managing the drug store. I was raising two wonderful kids. I was dealing with depression and anxiety. It had become part of my life.
Then I met a man. Let's call him Superdad. He knew I was taking a certain medication that people can be addicted to and abuse. I wasn't one of those people. I used it to stop anxiety attacks. So, here I thought, I have met this wonderful man. What if I don't require these medications anymore. The mind works in mysterious ways!
I stopped my meds and had the worst withdrawals ever!!! OMG!!! It was torture. But I did it. I wasn't living off a pill everyday to get out of bed. Life was good.
Then it came back. My doctors said I had PPD after having Baby M. I felt that feeling creeping back and I was terrified.
Even though I still have OCD tendencies that revolve around cleaning, I know I have them. They are just apart of my life. So what if I keep a clean house. There would be worse to deal with I am sure. I am not up in the middle of the night organizing the kitchen cabinets or mopping so I don't see a real problem with them.
So, I started taking medications after Baby M. I eventually weaned myself off of them. Then the anxiety came back. I was jumpy. I was moody. The kids made me edgy. I went back to my doc and we talked. He put me back on medication.
Superdad has never liked me being on medication. Depression and anxiety is apart of my life. Getting more rest, exercising or changing my diet isn't an answer for me. I am pretty sure it isn't. I need that little dose of Celexa to make it through the day.
Is there really anything wrong with that???
Last week I got a wild hair, as they say, and stopped taking my meds. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone without talking to your doctor!! I am just telling you what I did. It was stupid of me.
Day four of NO medication it hit! OMG, it was awful. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I really wanted to disappear. How can one do that with four kids running around? You cannot. I secretly cried on the phone to a friend. She was upset that I quit my meds and encouraged me to start taking them. I had another friend be upset too that I had stopped my meds. Her example was,
"If you were diabetic would you stop you insulin because you felt better?"
I told her I cannot die from depression or anxiety.
To which she said, "You may think it would be okay to jump off a bridge without your mediation."
I am here to say that I have never had suicidal thoughts on anyone. I am asked that all the time at the doctors. I would never hurt my children or myself. I love living TOOOOOO much.
So, Sunday afternoon I took my meds again. Then I rested.
I woke up Monday feeling extremely better!!! I was able to rest. I didn't have the urge to clean the house with the baby toothbrush like I had had the day before!
Then I told Superdad to pick up my refill. He gets upset that I am back on the medication. He said I didn't give it enough time to get out of my system. That if I exercised. Etc...
So, here I am feeling like I have to defend my depression, anxiety and taking medication. Something that a depressed anxious person doesn't really need.
Right now I need encouraging words. Not judgmental suggestions. I am in a mood over this.