Does guilt work for a teenager?

I would like someone to give me an intelligent answer for this question! The past few days have been rough here in the Supermom house.

It started Sunday night. The perfect end to my Mother's Day! ~sarcasm~

I have a dry erase board calendar in the kitchen for the month. Everything is written on the calendar. E V E R Y T H I N G ! ! !

I noticed that H had penciled TWO events in. I also noticed it was a weekend she SHOULD go visit with her dad since she decided to live here full time! I ask her if she's talked to her dad about what she wants to do since she would be at his house that certain weekend. This didn't amuse her to say the least.

I was trying to tell her that we could work it out and do all that she needed to do. Go to the party and spend time with her dad. She wouldn't hear any of it and started screaming at me. This is turn made me scream back!! Screaming is a vicious cycle!!! I hate it!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRR!

So she stomps off to her room to slam the door. She is a door slammer. I say, "THERE IS NO TV, COMPUTER OR PHONE UNTIL WE FINISH THIS!!!!!!!!!!" Then I hear SLAM!!!!!!

I was upset because I feel like DAMNED if you do and DAMNED if you don't. I tried to talk to her like the adult SHE THINKS she is and she wanted no part of that.

Soooo, yesterday I get her from school. She mentions that the party was canceled for this weekend and will be next weekend. I was totally over it and kind of shrug with a whatever attitude.

I had a very trying day yesterday and was in no mood to argue with a 14 year old. A dear friend of mine, scratch that, MY BEST FRIEND was in a car accident and it upset me tremendously!!! I was upset and nervous and crying over thinking my friend was hurt. Not to mention that her daughter was in the car as well. I had two other friends supporting me, one the phone and one the computer. They were my life line so I didn't drown so to speak! Thank you ladies. You know who you are!

Anyway.... my friend and her daughter are fine!! I realized how much they mean to me in such a short time!!!! ~Supermom is going to get sappy, so let's move on.~

Plus, I was dealing with another online issue that isn't worth bringing up. I just know my plate was full yesterday and fighting with H wouldn't be on the short list!!!

Sooo, I am running around trying to get my house work finished since the day was shot to hell. The phone rings. It's for H. I tell her to get off the phone.

BUT I TOLD YOU I WAS SORRRYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

You did??? I only remember you telling me that the party was moved.

I tell hormonal teenager, "NO PHONE OR COMPUTER FOR TODAY!!!" I think she was getting off easy.

This brings on her wanting to argue. I talked to her in a very calm matter. I said, "I am not going to talk about this again. I tried to talk to you last night and you wouldn't listen."

I stood firm about no phone or computer. She was begging me to let her use the phone. I was proud of myself. She was crying and such. She only told me she was sorry because she thought I would give her the phone back. WRONG!!!

I just ignored it and started making some mac & cheese. She kept standing in the kitchen door watching me. I was going to walk past her to unlock the door because Superdad was home. SHE ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO TRY AND BLOCK ME. OMG. I was in shock BUT I kept my cool.

She mentioned that she was just going to get the phone and use it anyway.

I dare you was my response.

To make a terribly long story short. She went on a hunger strike and wouldn't take dinner from me. She avoided me at all costs last night.

I was proud that I kept my cool. I didn't raise my voice. I acted like the adult that I am.

I am tired of trying to "guilt" her into spending time at her dads. He deserves HER making time to visit him. Should I just leave it alone and let her plan when she goes???? He loves her and was terribly hurt when she decided to live here full time and I think she owes it to him to make the effort to see him more!!! I can only do so much!

As for her AWFUL behavior. How do I handle that? Punish her more? Show her who is in fact BOSS?!?! What??????? Opinions would be awesome here.

Comments

Anna said…
She is screaming, "Give me some boundaries!" She is very likely feeling overwhelmed by her decision to only live with you and she is pushing you to step in and tell her what is going to happen. It's great that you are committed to being respectful to her and she needs to also be respectful to you. She had a regular schedule for many years after the divorce and now she is adrift. It can be very confusing. So, my opionion, for what it's worth, would be to set up regular visits with dad and she can plan her time with him on her own. It doesn't have to be a weekend, but it does need to be at predictable intervals. If you want her to be a part of the process, she can help decide what the intervals will be, but stand strong on the fact that they are happening and need to be regular. I also think that her disrespectful talk back to you should be addressed in a manner you feel is appropriate. BTW, you're great! So patient and loving. I will try to learn from you.
Penelope Anne said…
can we discuss your fabulousness - you really keep your cool - im terrible with that! I can only speak from my experience. 'K' lived with me only after my first divorce and her dad didnt see her but once in a great while, his parents would but he was living the single life. Well when hubbs #2 left me in August of 01 i was homelss and jobless so i sent K to her dads - and he absolutely rose to the occassion and is a great father! So K has been living there since 01 - she used to come up every weekend, then every other - but now that she's older I dont push the issue - her boyfriend is down there and I know as a teenager there are tons of things you wanna do on the weekend besides hang with your parents so I let her know - when you want to come - let me know on wednesday and ill be there on friday to pick you up! I know people may not agree - but it works for me - she wasnt here on moms day b/c she and the bf went to his parents for din din - and thats cool I dont need her to be here to know that she loves me. Are you and her dad on speaking terms? Maybe you should all sit down and have a come to jesus meeting. LOL! XO
Mary said…
Hey Michelle you gotta stand firm. Lauren used to scream at me stomp slam doors and ignore me. Over silly issues. Then try to blow it off by saying i told you im sorry. Well no phone no life no computer, SLAM< went the door again.
Well you have to stand firm dont take the computer or phone at age 16 my sweet hubby had a light bulb moment. Took off the bedroom door for one month. That ended the door slamming she had to adjust to draggin clothing to bathroom with all her stuff in tow. JUST HAVE HB take the door off. As far as the dad issue goes and visiting have him call her the real issue lies between the two of them. Dont put your self in the middle. Take care my freind Mary
Kelly said…
Big hugs! I don't know what's going on with H and her dad, but fully support you trying to keep up the visits.

The older she got, the harder regular visits were (and she was always angry with him--long story). She had sports, friends etc. He lived and hour and a half away. I tried to be flexible with my time so that they could work out visitations with their schedule.

You are right that she needs to discuss these things with him. If she is going to be "growing up," making plans...she needs to be grown up enough to talk to him about it.

Stick to your guns, I wouldn't punish her more, but try to seriously talk/listen to her about WHY she had the outburst in the first place...what exactly is going on? There may be more to it than the obvious...dad problems? Friend issues? Headaches?
Palymama said…
You are brave! I'd be scared to say,"I Dare You" to my teens. I'm careful that any stand I take I can win - I don't take them unless I can.