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I'm just not Supermom anymore....

I think I’m just worn out with blogging. I’ve been around a long time and I think I have given all the advice that I know. You firs...

To Blog or Not to Blog? That is the question. Or is it?

I am a very public person. Hence this blog. Yet, I am a private person. How can I be both? I am not exactly sure myself. I have only spoken about my divorce one time. Maybe two. And not in a negative way either. I was bringing up how to deal with the holidays when you have children.

We have been dealing with a very delicate situation. I say WE as in my teenage daughter has been dealing with a tough decision. I wouldn't even call it a decision. More like trying to make her life less complicated.

H is 14. Okay, she will be 15 in June. WAHHHHH!!!! She is a freshman in high school. She is a wonderful young lady with the world at her feet. We have taught her between right and wrong. We have been there for her no matter what. I say WE as in me and her dad. Our families. Our friends. Everyone that knows H loves H.

We divorced back in 2001 I believe. We have joint custody of both our children. They would spend a week with me and then a week with their dad. Not a crazy situation. It appears to be the rage these days of divorced parents. ~sarcastic eyeroll here~ The "situation" has been fine with both children. Two houses. Two rooms. Two everything. Even twice the love with extended family. Both of us have remarried and added more children to the mix.

H took it upon herself to go to her guidance counselor last week to talk to her. To which I told her was great when she told me. I wasn't going to pry. She could tell me why she went or not. She told me. I cried. I cried for putting my beautiful daughter H in that "situation" to begin with.

H has decided that going back and forth is too much for her and she wants to stop. She wants to stay at one house and then visit the other parent.

I even went as far as telling H that she could live with her dad full time if that is what she wanted. I want was is best for H. She then told me that she wanted to live here with us and visit her dad.

I cried. We cried. I prayed. We prayed. I told myself that I wasn't going to worry about it. I handed it over to God. I was surprisingly calm. I didn't bring it up to H. I just let her think about everything. She had made her decision and she was sticking to it.

So, we had to tell her dad. Yesterday.

OMG, my heart was breaking. It's wasn't some glorious celebration where I won. It was the hardest thing I had to do. Well, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My heart broke for her dad. My heart broke for H. I was barely hanging on.

I let H do all the talking. I was like a silent partner. There for her no matter what but she was in control.

She told her dad. We cried. We cried some more. Then we cried again.

Her dad wants them to go to counseling. I think it is a wonderful idea. H needs her dad. She may not really acknowledge that yet. She will in time realize how much a girl needs her dad.

He didn't make H go home with him. She is here. I just made her some eggs for breakfast. There was no school today due to snow.

I am thrilled she is here yet I am sad for what it means for her dad.

Okay, I was telling you some thing very personal in hopes that you will give great advice. Been through this. Hugs. Whatever!

9 comments:

manic mummy said...

Ive not been through but i am sending all my best for what must be uncredible hard situation to deal with big hugs

Jennifer said...

I have never gone through this. After all, my oldest just turned 3. However, I am going to pray for your situation.

Kelly said...

While I haven't been through that particular situation. I can see how difficult it can be for all of you.

I was an always single mom, my daughter lived with me and "visited" her dad. I can tell you that on many occasions my daughter and I talked about the different living arrangements out there, and she said repeatedly how very important it was to have somewhere to call "home" and I think that it was especially important to her as she moved through her teen years.

I have always wondered if shared parenting always worked, or if sometimes the kids felt like they were visiting mom and then visiting dad without really having a home in their heart? I don't know if there is a one size fits all solution. I am glad that I never had to go through the divorce/custody thing, it is a rough road.

It is so hard to do the perfect thing for each child in every situation...you do the best you can. You support them, you love them, you listen to them, you cry with them, you support the other parent.

It sounds like you are doing all of that. She is lucky to have parents who are willing to listen to what she feels she needs right now. That is so important!

Good luck to all of you as you move through this pickle. Counseling sounds like a great plan!

Kelly

Deborah at Coco Bonbons said...

Hey Supermom--Way to handle the situation in a very supportive way. My ex and I also try to do what's best for our daughter. He is moving back to town after being many states away for a couple of years. He wants to be closer to his daughter. I will definitely take your situation to heart as we decide what the best living situation will be for our daughter.

fraizerbaz said...

I think the hardest thing of all is to let growing (and maturing) kids make their own choices, isn't it?

But I can imagine how it must feel for you. Not totally, because my daughter is only six, and she has to go where we tell her to go. She can't make those choices yet, as she would flip flop back and forth repeatedly.

But like Kelly, I was always a single mom. I was never officially married to my little girl's father. He chose to start a life with another woman when I was about 18 weeks pregnant. I moved out, and at first, he wasn't even sure he wanted to be involved in our baby's life. I thank God that he has since changed his mind, for her sake.

She has said to me more that once that she wishes that her mom and dad lived in the same house. (Which is surprising, because the three of us have never lived together under the same roof.) Hard to predict how she will feel when she is a teen.

Manda said...

I have never been in this situation, yet I fear that one day I may be. I will pray for you and the pain will pass. Just stay by your daughter's side and let her know you will be there for her. I remember that at such an age it is difficult learning who you are as an individual and going back and forth can be a major challenge. Just knowing that there are those who will love her no matter what, will help her immensely. I bow to you and you courage to be so open. I understand how hard that is.

Supermom said...

I'd like to give a BIG HUGE thank you for the kind words you have given me and my family.
Michelle

Mrs Furious said...

This is actually really common at her age. My parents were also divorced and in our early teens both my brother and I wanted to live with just one parents (interestingly our same sex parent). I think that fact that he wants to go to counseling is great and that they should. It can be very easy to disconnect from an awkward situation and I think it is key for them to still maintain a relationship even if it is more limited.

Monkey's Momma said...

I haven't been through that, but at her age, she needs her mama. That being said, I am sure it was not easy for her dad to hear.

I admire her courage and maturity at the age of 14 to be able to verbalize what she needs and what she feels will make her life easier at this point in her life.