Here lately I have been thinking about death. It consumes me when I am depressed. I am not talking death as in ending my life--just death as dying when I get old. I am talking 130 years old and dying in my sleep after writing a book, acting in a movie, ending world hunger and insert other charitable acts here.
Since I have been dealing with depression for over 10 years, after having my son, I realize that I obsess over death when I am really down. Or even when I am not down. I just want to make sure my kids are taken care of I suppose.
I have been Zoloft free for 10 days now. 10 days and I haven't killed anyone yet. Even though I have had ZERO patience and would like too scream during moments. For example my husband was eating dinner last night and Mads was rolling around the living room and Ollie was being Ollie and I was going to wash my hair. He actually said, "Could you wait a sec, I won't be able to eat and watch them?". Kind of like what I do every day?? Or him not wanting to give Mads a bath because he didn't feel comfy. Ummmmm....she is 5 months and not going to break. SHRUG! I just get frustrated after cleaning the house, folding and putting up all the laundry, that I ask one simple request about bathing the baby and I get feedback. Then he gets frustrated that Ollie wants to ride with him to get H & B2. Whats the big deal? She usually wants to ride with him when he goes to get them. SO instead of fussing because she won't listen to you and STILL wants to go with you JUST let her go with you TO BEGIN WITH! Then there won't be any screaming and yelling at anyone about no one is listening when all she wants to do is see her big sister and brother. She has missed them yanno? Whew, I feel better now that I typed that out.
Other than that I think I am doing rather well. Unless some depressing or extremely happy commercial comes on. Then I cry like a baby that wants ninny. I was even crying watching an episode of Friends the other night. The one where Emma turns one and Joey read one of her books as a gift and the birthday cake ended up being X rated! Yep, I cried because I was laughing so hard.
I do have a point with all this just hang on.
I have a teenage daughter. (Which is pretty impossible since I am only 28, wink wink nudge nudge.) My daughter is 14 going on 34. Something like that. She has all these awful hormones running through her body! A problem we ALL have been dealing with for several years! Being a teenager is rough. I do remember being that age not to long ago. Add on being a girl to make it a bit tougher. Then add on that she started high school this past August. What am I supposed to do with a teenage daughter?? She is a beautiful, caring young woman with the world at her feet. She is active in her church and goes to GA Camp. She is a wonderful student and I know will go far. She doesn't give us much grief EXCEPT with the boys she insists on making us meet. Then there is all that CRAP music she MUST listen too. It's really hard to blame that all on her because most new music is crap to begin with. HA HA!! Sorry honey! My daughter is a fan of my blog and is going to come running when she knows this post is about her. :)
I am getting to the point F I N A L L Y!!! Last week as I was at the high school picking her up like I always do. I am watching all these kids come out and go to their car of choice. Then I had this depressing thought. I can never go back to those high school years. I will never be 14 again. I will never have to take chemistry or do algebra homework again. I will never get asked to the prom. I will never have to worry about my grades.
I was pretty bummed to realize all this. Sure I knew but still. All that is left for me is getting older and then dying. Pretty bleak huh?
Soooo, I share this with her when she gets in the van.
"Yanno H, my life is over. I can never go back to your age. All that is left is for me to grow old and die."
She was like, "Thanks mom for being so cheery."
AM I the only one who feels this way?
DO you obsess over death/dying as well?
Do you think with older age brings you a peace about dying?? I really hope so because now the thought of death scares me. Maybe becoming a parent started it all. I don't know.
Okay must go. I have two sick babies and still a quiche to make.